"So...How Do You Feel?"

In the last week, while I have been steadily working my way through my daily doses of gluten, slowly nearly emptying the first Ziplock freezer bag filled with Week 1 doses (it will never be empty, as I am returning the cling wrap from each individual dose to each individual Ziplock baggie and then storing them in the Week 1 freezer bag), I have had countless people -- friends, family members, acquaintances, even a few folks who somehow have found their way to my blog on Facebook -- ask me in one way or another how I am feeling.

And unlike the casual "Hi!  How are you's?" that are bantered back and forth while people are out and about, at the grocery store, Starbucks or otherwise in passing, at this point in my life, I think people really, truly want to know how I am feeling.

And...I'm finding it hard to really, truly answer them.

The biggest issue?
Well...maybe there are TWO biggest issues.


The first issue:  I grew up with two very stoic parents -- a mother who gritted her teeth and withstood endless headaches while an elusive brain tumor bore through her brain and a father whom I only saw cry only once -- the night he told me and my sister that our young mother was unlikely to ever come home to us.

I grew up to be stoic, like my parents.
I'm not used to giving anything other than a simple "I'm fine," or "I'm OK."  

And so, it is hard, so hard to say anything other than "I'm good!"

The second issue:  I don't want to complain.
After all, I signed up for this.
One might even say I asked for this -- whatever this is.
  (And...this -- whatever this is, is temporary.)

And maybe there is a third issue:  
I don't want anyone to worry about me,
  and I most certainly do not want anyone to worry that I am going to quit this investigational study.
For while I don't feel good, I'm...good.  I'm fine enough to see this through.  I'm OK.


And so, I am trying to provide real answers...but struggling.

For I know that these people who are asking really do want to know how I am feeling.  Some of them want to know because they genuinely care about me, and some of them want to know because they are hugely appreciative of what I am doing and hope something incredible comes from it because someone they love dearly is living with Celiac Disease.  (Some of them are parents, who have a hard time envisioning their children's future lives.  I can relate to this, first-hand.)  And...some of them, I think...are simply interested in the science of it all.  Whatever their reason is, everyone who asks deserves an honest, open, brave answer (even if that does mean talking about digestive issues -- like poop and farts and burps...)

And yet, I ask myself...does anyone really want to hear the answer?

For the truth of the matter is -- I don't really feel very good.  I'm not terribly sick (thankfully -- in some ways, it is nothing like I feared it might be, but in other ways, it is also harder than I thought it might really be), but I also feel vaguely (or more, at times) and persistently...not good.

But really, a laundry list of all that is not right, not perfect in my body?
  Really?
Does anyone really want all that?
  I don't know.
  I don't think so.
[Especially when I take into consideration the fact that most of it (well, a lot of it, at least), has to do with my digestive system...and I am reluctant to go into too much detail about all that.]

So, after pondering this dilemma for a few days now, and struggling to write a really honest blog post, I have decided two blog posts might be the way to go -- this, for those weak of stomach or who just want an overview, and the one to follow, which will be entitled "TMI...?"  (Recommended only for those who want the details, the real deal.)  

(And while I'm tempted to share my thoughts on whether or not I am receiving the drug being studied herein, I think it would be more appropriate for me to save that revelation for after I've shared the real deal.)